Post #65: At Least I Know

I’m a woman who clearly loves herself, but just like any other girl out there, my thoughts take everything a step further and that’s when I fell into trouble. Joey, the guy I met on the plane and trusted him so quickly, is going to be the focus of my post this time. When you go through several terrible relationships, you start building a wall for yourself and you don’t let anyone in easily, but when one guy manages to break that, this is when all the chaos takes place. Don’t even ask me why I thought I could open up to him that much, but I was myself around him, I could show my true colors and even reveal my awkward side.

What started off with meeting a random stranger turned into a strong friendship, I introduced him to Dina my best friend and one thing led to the other and we were hanging out on a daily basis. I didn’t even see it coming! See what coming you may ask? And my answer would be, falling for him head over heels. He’s handsome, intelligent, ambitious, among many other things I personally love in a man and missed having in my life. My decision to move to Dubai was partly related to him, just a tiny bit, but at least I can be honest around you guys and admit that. It wasn't just me who opened up, he also started revealing layer by layer of his personality, and I almost knew everything about him. He would share the smallest details with me, from his family, previous relationships, work and anything else you would imagine. It was then when I saw it coming, but I didn’t want to hit the brakes. It felt good having someone you could lean on who wasn’t a jerk. He is by far one of the best personalities I have ever met, he's super helpful and supportive, and the best thing about him is that he isn’t too full of himself, he’s very down to earth. Did you fall in love with him too or is it just me?

Anyway, what I didn’t see coming as well, was the fact that Dina was falling for him too. Dina of all people! To be honest here, I didn’t say a word that I’m interested in him, but she knows me best and she should have figured it out on her own. She didn’t tell me either, she doesn’t like to show emotions that much and that’s why it was hard for me to tell. I just had a hunch that she might like him, but being in denial, I completely shook that thought out of my head and decided to focus on myself instead.

Weeks went by and Joey and I were in touch on a daily basis, talking for hours, chatting, meeting up, laughing over silly things, he got me quite well and so did I. This is where things start to get complicated. When you start getting attached to someone that much, no flirting whatsoever, but he’s not friend-zoning you either. So what’s the deal with this guy? He’s not gay, I know that for sure. Let me take you for a second into my head and let you know how it pictures things. There’s the lovey-dovey zone, which I like to call the white area, and there’s the friend-zone, which I refer to as the black area. Being however in between and not knowing where you stand is the worst feeling ever. Yes, that’s the grey area. I started stepping into that grey and unknown area one by one, and day by day it got to me more and more. Mood swings, one minute wanting to talk to him and the next trying to ignore him, but when he texts or calls my frowning face would turn into a bright smiling one. I was in deep shit! Again, I knew what I was getting myself into, but I walked towards it like a fool.

Dina: What’s wrong with you Luci?

Me: What do you mean?

Dina: I have this feeling that you’ve been down lately. Remember I’m the one who knows you best. Spill it out!

Me: I’m not that sure, I’m in a weird phase. I hate not knowing things, I hate grey areas and I hate not being able to understand people or read them properly.

Dina: Who are we talking about here? I lost you.

Me: It doesn’t really matter, I think I’m going to ignore him either way.

Dina: Why’s that? Come on, tell me! Why is it so hard to get a word out of you?

Me: I’m not in the mood to speak about it. Can we talk about this later? Please?

Dina: Yeah of course we can, but let me tell you one thing. If you don’t speak up, no one will know what’s going on inside of your head and you’ll stay stuck in the exact same place with these crazy mood swings of yours. Are you sure you’re not PMSing?

I looked at her with one eyebrow raised, but didn’t give her an answer. Deep down I knew she was right, honesty is always the best way to go. That’s one thing I learned for sure. I didn’t feel like talking to her about it, partly because I didn’t want anyone to go into my head just yet and another part was because I didn’t want to face the fact that both of us are into the same guy (maybe!).

A few days later, I woke up with the decision of letting it go. I’ll take a few steps back and wait until I un-develop these feelings and turn them into pure friendship and then hang out or speak to Joey again. Easier said than done of course! My phone starts ringing and I hear this familiar and warm voice on the other side and my stomach starts playing games on me. The cloud nine kind of feelings, you know what I mean.

Me: Hey, how are you?

Joey: I’m doing great! Where have you been? I missed you!

Me: You did?

Joey: Of course I did. You don’t just go disappearing on me for two days hehe

Me: Well, I had some things I needed to deal with.

Joey: Enough with the girl’s drama. Let’s do something today. Are you free?

Me: Yeah, I am. Let’s do that.

I thought of telling Dina to join us, but then I didn’t. I was going against my decision to take my distance, but I thought why not try and start today. If I manage to treat him like a friend while we’re out, then things will get better for me one by one.

Hours passed by and I started getting ready to meet Joey. I was going for jeans and a loose shirt, just to prove to myself that I no longer care that much, but then without even noticing, something came into me and I started making myself pretty. He picked me up and I couldn’t help it but I was very silent.

Joey: Is everything okay with you?

Me: Yes, I’m fine.

Joey: We all know what “fine” in a woman’s world means. You’re so not fine, I know you best.

Me: Trust me I am.

Joey: Okay whatever, you know I hate drama. You’ll just tell me whenever you feel like it. I’m not going to push you or make you feel uncomfortable.

I looked at him and was about to spill something really stupid, but he started talking about his work and thank God that was my signal to stop. We went to a really cute restaurant, and while he was talking I couldn’t help but continue daydreaming with too many thoughts going through my head. ENOUGH Luci, seriously. I wish there was an on/off button to my thoughts. Life would be so much easier!

My ON button kept on pushing more and more and that’s when something stupid or not so brilliant took place.

Me: Joey, I have something to tell you.

Joey: And finally, she’s talking. I knew you were going to tell me, I just had to bore you with lots of annoying talk first. What do you want to tell me?

Me: I like you!

Joey: I like you too, you know that.

Me: No, not just friends kind of like, I like you like you. You know what I mean?

A moment of silence. What did I just do? Part of me was worried of his reaction, but the other part was relieved. I couldn’t hold it any more. I just couldn’t!

Joey: Oh Luci. I don’t know what to say. I really didn’t think you had these kind of feelings for me.

(another silent moment)

Me: Is that all you’re going to say?

Joey: No of course not. I’m just looking for the right words here.

Me: You don’t need to sugarcoat things. You should be bluntly honest, please.

Joey: You mean the world to me, but not in a romantic kind of way. In a short time you managed to know everything about me and I trust you so much, but I finally thought here’s a friend I could depend on. I hope what I’m going to say next is not going to make things any more awkward. Promise me?

Me: I can’t promise until I hear it. 

Joey: Fair enough. I asked Dina out just yesterday and I was going to tell you. 

Me: Shit! You did?

He nodded. I smiled a bitter sweet smile. Now what Luci? I was looking for the right words here, but they didn’t come, not even close.

Joey: Do you think we’ll both be okay?

Me: I hope. I really like having you in my life, but you can imagine how awkward this is for me. 

Joey: I know, but I’ll make it less awkward for you. Just to prove to you how important you are for me, I won’t be seeing Dina.

Me: Nooooo! Don’t do that, we don’t want two broken hearts, now do we?

I managed to fake a smile on my face. At least I’m no longer in that grey area. AT LEAST I KNOW…

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