So as you may have read, my talk with Faisal didn’t go all that well. I mean, after hearing him and Dina basically say the same thing I just needed to stop talking and sit with myself. Because for the longest time I thought Faisal was the problem, and before Faisal Amr was the problem or Billy, and I can’t help but wonder if I messed up all these relationships. Were they doomed from the start because of how badly I tend to handle things?
In case you forgot how badly I handle things, it starts with me ignoring the person for sometime. I then tend to get so wrapped in my own head and create the scenario where I’m right and everyone else is wrong, basically play the victim.
I honestly didn’t know what to do next, talking or fighting with Faisal seemed pointless at this point, and I felt so guilty for putting him through that. I mean the man is just trying to keep the days moving by peacefully and here I am ignoring him and running away from the problem.
I thought about calling Dina and telling her what happened, but for some reason I just didn’t want to have yet another similar conversation.
I thought about calling my mum and asking her for her advice and if this was a quality of mine I’ve had since childhood. But then again, talking to your parents about problems with your husband is just a recipe for disaster.
I told Faisal to give me some space because I needed to think and just process a lot of what he said before we talk again, and thankfully he was very understanding. Turns out he was planning on surprising me and taking me to Ain El Sokhna for a few days since I’ve been cooped up in the house for weeks now. Yup that definitely made me feel more shitty about myself, either way I encouraged him to go for the weekend, maybe some space and fresh air for him will do us some good.
I thought about maybe journaling, try to get my thoughts on to paper, because maybe if I look at it in front of me it will make more sense, but I ended up just staring at a blank page for hours.
It was then that I decided maybe I should try counselling, or therapy or life couching or whatever the new kids are calling it these days. I just felt like I needed to talk to a stranger who has an expertise in understanding human behavior.
I looked online for a session, because I’m still trying to maintain social distancing in this whole pandemic, and shockingly almost everyone I’d come across was fully
booked. I guess people are really dealing with their issues during quarantine.
After some intense searching I finally was able to book a session for next week with a counselor, I even booked a 2 hour long session, because I’ve always hated that scene in the movies where just when things start to get real, the therapist says, ‘We’ll continue this next time.’
In the meantime I’m going to just try and write, relax and focus on me during this weekend. Not going to do any housework, just going to do the things I enjoy and treat myself, maybe if I’m in a relaxed state, I’ll be able to start journaling my thoughts.
Stay tuned for next week, Saturday at 11:00 AM (Cairo time), I'll let you know how my session goes.