August 31, 2015 12:00 AM | by Luci
Post #77: You're WHAT?
I arrive to Cairo during Eid, and the first thing I want to do is give my friends the good news. I’m finally in a serious relationship with a guy I dearly love. Of course I had to tell Habiba in person, since she’s the one who introduced me to Faisal and all, but first I had to tell Dina. She is the closest to my heart, as you might have noticed before.
I waited until it was noon, and thought it was a good time to go and deliver the news/surprise personally. Her dad opened the door for me, greeting me with a big smile. Ever since Dina's mum left them, their house was never the same. It wasn’t as cheerful as I remember, but I was glad to see him smiling again.
Dina’s dad: Luci, it’s so good to see you again. Please talk to Dina, she hasn’t been doing well lately.
Me: Really? What’s wrong?
Dina’s dad: I wish I knew, she never talks to me about anything.
Me: Where is she?
Dina’s dad pointed up to her room. I walked in with a huge smile on my face, and saw her just sitting there in the corner of her room staring at her phone.
Me: Dinaaaa, I’ve missed you, you have no idea.
Dina: Luciii, it’s so good to see you. I had no idea you were coming to Cairo. Such a wonderful surprise.
Me: Yup, I have good news and wanted to tell you myself.
Dina: Shoot, I wanna know.
Me: Faisal proposed in the cutest way, and he’s going to meet my parents tomorrow.
She looked at me, with a huge smile, which soon turned into a frown, and the next thing I could see were tears.
Me: Please tell me these are happy tears!
Dina: Of course they are, but it’s just that I’ve been going through so much lately. I’m happy you’re back and I can finally talk to someone about this.
Me: About what? Your dad mentioned you weren’t yourself lately. What’s wrong?
Dina: If I tell you, you won’t judge or let a single soul know?
Me: That goes without saying. When have I ever let any of your secrets slip?
Dina: This one’s different Luci. It’s more than I can handle, and more than my dad could ever handle as well.
Me: What babe? I’m worried now.
Dina: I’m pregnant.
Me: You’re WHAT? How? I know how, but I mean how could you let this happen to you? I thought you were way past that phase Dina!
Dina: See? You are judging me, and if you, the closest person to me, are judging me, then what would the rest of the people do?
Me: You’re right, I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean it that way, it’s just that I’m very shocked, that’s all. Tell me, how are you feeling, and do you know for sure?
Dina: I had really promised myself never again to sleep with a guy, but it’s just that I’m not able to build strong connections with anyone I’m dating, and I end up doing that. I’m a terrible person, I know and it sucks, you have no idea. A month and a half ago I was dating this guy, Ziad, and we ended up in bed together. A few days after that I started feeling weird, all my period symptoms were showing up way too early, so I told myself, it’s not such a big deal, maybe it’s just coming before its time, because I’ve been stressed out at work and all. Nothing changed a week after, actually just one thing, I started getting really tired, not to mention the start of puking, or in other words the morning sickness.
Me: Oh God! I can’t believe you’ve been going through that on your own. Why didn’t you call me and just blurted it all out?
Dina: I was too ashamed and scared. I still am Luci. Ever since the symptoms started getting weirder and weirder, I started being paranoid, over-analyzing everything, except taking proper action and doing a pregnancy test. I tried ordering it online, because I was too ashamed to go to a store and pick it out, but then I was worried it would arrive and my dad would see it. Can you imagine what would happen to him if he found out something like that?
Me: Are you sure you’re pregnant? Did you take the test? I can go buy it for you, I have no problem.
Dina: I'm sure. I did the test two weeks ago. My period was more than two weeks late, and panic started hitting me hard. I wasn’t able to focus at work anymore, and it was all I could think of. I went to the pharmacy and bought two tests, it was so embarrassing Luci, I can’t even begin to tell you. Both tests I took showed I’m positive. What should I do? My mind has been blank ever since.
Me: Have you talked to this Ziad guy?
Dina: Yes I have, he’s been supportive. He told me he’ll be there for me regardless of which decision I go for, but then I told him that I need to think again, and I've been avoiding his calls ever since. I don’t even love him Luci, why on earth would I do something like that to myself? I have no self-worth whatsoever.
Me: Nooo, don’t say that. You’re being way too hard on yourself. We all sin differently, it already happened and pushing yourself over the border won’t do you any good.
Dina: So you don’t think I’m a bad person?
Me: Of course you’re not, and deep down you know that. You made a mistake.
Dina: More of repeating the same mistake over and over again, like a worthless idiot.
Me: I swear to God, if you keep on being that hard on yourself I’ll walk out of the room now and won’t even support you. Everyone makes mistakes, if God can forgive us, don’t you think you can go a bit easy on yourself? No one is allowed to judge you. Now let’s be a bit more rational about it. What are your options here?
Dina: Abortion pill I guess.
She started crying even harder now. It took me over five minutes to try and calm her down. Then I had to google what the abortion pill was and its side effects before agreeing with her.
Me: Results on here say it’s okay to go for it, as long as you’re still in your early pregnancy stage.
Dina: But what if I don’t want to.
Dina: You don’t get it, I never get attached to anything or anyone. I have been trying to change that for a very long while now, but nothing seems to work. I find a guy who loves me like crazy and who’s willing to do anything for me, and I don’t even give him any proper attention because I’m not able to feel the same way about him. Thinking about this baby is the first time I am actually attached and getting very emotional about it. Deep down, I really really want to keep it. It deserves to see the light of the day. I’d be a much better mother to that baby, than my mother ever was to me. I don’t want to take the abortion pill and walk on him or her, just like my mum did with me.
Me: It’s not the same thing Dina. Don’t let your emotion cloud your thinking. You’re going to have your own baby, but in the right setup, with a proper family first.
Dina: Says who? I was never in a proper relationship, so who says a family would be better for the baby? I’ve been wanting to talk to my dad about it, he will understand eventually.
Me: He won’t Dina, your mind is playing more tricks on you.
Dina: But Luci, I’m already attached to it more than I was ever attached to anything in my life. You don’t get it and I don’t think you will get it either.
I looked at her and I was clueless about what to tell her to talk her out of it. I then realized it wasn’t my place to try and get her to back out of what seems to be her decision so far. I asked her to call Ziad and to give me a chance to speak to him, and after some convincing she agreed. She gave him the intros, and then handed me the phone.
Me: Hi Ziad. (I walked to the living room with her phone and closed the door behind me.)
Ziad: Hello Luci. I can’t believe she finally called me. I’ve been trying to reach her for a while now.
Me: Yeah, Dina tends to be like that, when she panics, she needs her own time to think, but apparently she’s not thinking straight yet, that’s probably why she hasn’t called you back. Did you know she’s thinking of keeping the baby?
Ziad: She is? That’s amazing!
Me: Really? How so?
Ziad: At first when I heard the news, I was in shock, but then I started to think about it from her perspective and felt how excited I am. I even spoke to my parents, after giving me one hell of a hard time, they asked me to do the right thing with Dina, and that’s why I’ve been really needing to speak to her.
Me: But do you love her?
Ziad: Not your typical kind of love, and neither does she, but she means a lot to me and we’ve been friends for a while before I asked her out on a date. I don’t know honestly, it’s hard to determine something like that under these circumstances. Can you please have her call me?
Me: I will. Take my number as well, I’m in Cairo for a few days, in case you can’t reach her and need to make sure she’s okay.
I went back to Dina and hugged her really hard. Poor thing, I can’t even begin to describe to you what a mess she made, and adding to that the emotional confusion doesn’t make it any easier. How will she be able to handle all of that? And will she be able to make the right decision? There’s really no right or wrong decision at this point. I hope she manages to make the one that will suit her best. I stayed with her for a few additional hours and promised her to go with her to the first check-up, and to even extend my vacation a bit to support as much as I could.
On my way while driving back home, I couldn’t get this quote off of my head. It’s been stuck like super glue and the fact that I wasn’t able to share it with Dina, made it harder to forget. It would have been too harsh and that’s the last thing she needed. It goes as follows: Sex is easy. Try love for once…
If you enjoyed this post, don't miss out on reading the rest of Luci's story here>>