Realizing Your Friend is Narcissistic: What Should You Do?

Friendships thrive on trust and openness—we confide in our friends about things we might not tell anyone else. We rely on them to be a safe space and a source of support. However, when a friend displays narcissistic behavior, that foundation starts to crumble. It becomes harder to connect and trust, and eventually, the friendship may come to an end.

“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” - Edna Buchanan

How do I know if my friend is narcissistic?

Unfortunately, narcissistic friends don't reveal themselves as quickly as narcissistic partners do. In fact, you might quickly fall for your narcissistic friends because they often come across as supportive and unexpectedly become your closest friends. But over time, you'll start noticing signs that reveal they're narcissistic...

1- Their needs come before yours

Narcissistic people always see themselves as the best, so it's tough for them to prioritize your needs over theirs in anything. They find it difficult to offer you support, whether emotional or material when you're going through a problem. It's also hard for them to appreciate your time, circumstances, or anything personal to you.

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2- Surface-level conversations all the time

If you've ever had a narcissistic friend, you know what I'm talking about. Most conversations with these folks are extremely superficial. For example, they're only interested in themselves, so it's rare for them to ask about how you're doing or your feelings after you've been through something tough. They avoid answering your deep questions too. They always seem to want to keep the conversation as light as possible, partly because they fear revealing their weaknesses to others.

3- They're nowhere to be found when you need them

Friends are supposed to be our support system in life, always there when we need each other. But with a narcissistic friend, it's different. When something happens or you need them around, they're nowhere to be found! Your narcissistic friend won't show up when you're going through a tough time and need support.

4- They want you to constantly prove your admiration for them

Narcissistic individuals struggle to discover their self-worth. Instead of figuring it out for themselves, they seek validation from others and want their friends to always show admiration and praise for them. This makes them feel good about themselves and boosts their self-esteem.

5- Their successes are paramount!

Another notable thing narcissists do skillfully is steal the spotlight from you during your moments of success and happiness. They always crave being the center of attention and don't like it when you achieve something that takes attention away from them. They'll do whatever they can to overshadow your accomplishments and remain the focus.

6- They don't feel sorry and don't forgive easily

Yes, dealing with a narcissistic friend is extremely exhausting. They can't feel sorry, no matter how much you tell them that a particular action upsets or hurts you. They don't believe they did anything wrong, and they might even accuse you of exaggerating or blowing things out of proportion. At the same time, they're not quick to forgive. It's hard for your narcissistic friend to forgive you for a mistake you made towards them because they believe they should always be treated a certain way and won't settle for less.

7- Sharp and aggressive criticism

As friends, sometimes we don't like each other's behaviors and we might criticize them. But that's not what narcissists do. When your narcissistic friend realizes you're no longer impressed with them or their actions, that's when the attacks start. They'll begin criticizing you for everything in an aggressive manner.

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8- They use you

Narcissistic people generally see everything around them as serving their own interests and goals, and it's no different with a narcissistic friend. They might get close to you to exploit your connections or skills. In some cases, they might even resort to manipulating you to benefit themselves.

9- They replace you quickly

The moment your narcissistic friend decides you're no longer serving their interests or fulfilling their self-image as they want, they'll end their relationship with you and quickly replace you with someone else. You won't know what happened or why they ended the friendship.

10- You feel drained just being around them

The most telling sign for me personally that this friend isn't right for you is feeling drained after spending time with them. Narcissists strive to be the center of attention, brag about their achievements, and expect or demand more than is reasonable. This leaves you feeling exhausted in their company.

What should I do if my friend is narcissistic?

I sometimes feel that ending this friendship might be the best thing to do, but I don't always recommend ending relationships. There are a few things you can try before making that decision...

1- Educate yourself and learn more about narcissistic personality traits

 I believe the best defense against hurtful people is awareness—awareness of their behaviors and our own reactions. Whether it's narcissists or anyone else around you, being aware of what they do and how you handle it is crucial.

2- Make a clear decision about this friendship

Dealing with a narcissistic friend isn't easy, so you need to decide whether to stick with this friendship or let it go. If you choose to continue the friendship, it's important to start setting clear boundaries and have a plan in place.

3- Set clear boundaries

 Every relationship in your life, whether it's a friendship, romantic relationship, or otherwise, requires clear and firm boundaries that you don't allow to be crossed. This way, you'll enforce respect for your boundaries and protect yourself from the negativity of this relationship at the same time.

4- Don't raise your expectations too high

As I mentioned earlier, a narcissistic friend likely won't be there for you whenever you need them. They won't sympathize with you or appreciate your feelings, so don't set high expectations for this relationship or expect support or encouragement from them.

5- Create a life away from your narcissistic friend

Narcissistic friends drain us and make us feel like we're putting in a lot of effort when we're around them. To preserve our energy, it's important to create a life that's separate from them. Engage in activities with other people or even by yourself—this rejuvenates us and makes us feel better.

6- Encourage your narcissistic friend to see a therapist

Of course, we can't directly tell them they need to see a therapist, but we can indirectly encourage the idea. Talk about the positive impact therapy can have on people's lives and how it can help them become better versions of themselves.

7- Keep a close eye on the friendship

If your initial choice is to maintain your friendship with the narcissistic person, it's important to regularly assess the relationship. Focus on its positives and negatives, analyze its drawbacks, and decide if you can handle them or not. The goal here is to be honest and clear with yourself and your friend so you don't subject yourself to any draining situations.

Remember, friends are meant to be a safe space and support in our lives, and vice versa. So choose your company wisely.