Post #69: A Year Ago

Dana: I hate how shallow people can be.

Me: Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. 

Dana: So why is it that you know much more about me than what I know about you?

Me: Hit me, what do you want to know?

Dana: For starters, I have a feeling you came to Dubai to escape from something. How right am I?

Me: Kind of right. I wanted a fresh start without drama, but it seems like I attract drama wherever I go. It’s just in my nature. I don’t think much and just act according to my feelings, which makes things pretty bad at times.

Dana: So there’s no specific reason?

Me: Not really, like I told you, just the drama.

I wanted to tell her more, but thought it’s better to be wise about what’s going to come out of my mouth next. I already told her I attract drama, but I don’t have to give her all the details just yet. She broke the silence all of a sudden saying: “You know what’s my favorite quote ever?”

Me: What?

Dana: It’s by C.S. Lewis where he said: Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.

I stared at her for a second, a bit puzzled. It’s like she was reading my mind. I was thinking the exact same thing a few days ago. I kept on wondering what I have actually changed about my life when I took the decision to move to Dubai, and was only able to figure out the answer when I compared this year to last year. So much has changed! As a matter of fact, only a few things are still the same.

Dana: You daydream a lot, don’t you?

Me: All the time! I was just thinking how true that quote is.

Dana: One year ago, where were you? I don’t mean location wise, but how things were different?

Me: Everything was different. I think around that same time last year I started dating a new guy. Well, not just any random guy, but my boss. I know that doesn’t sound like the wisest thing to do, but like I said…

Dana: No one’s judging here. Trust me, I’ve done lots of stupid things myself. What happened? Is he the reason you’re here?

I thought about it for a moment before giving her an answer. I felt nostalgic even though things were pretty messed up then. Amr and before that Billy. God, I miss him!

Me: He’s not the main reason, no. We were together for a few months, but then things started getting weird. I thought we were super compatible, but you know shit happens along the way and plans change. I’m kind of used to that already. It’s not the first time!

Dana: Now we’re talking. I can sense there’s more drama coming. Wait, what do you mean by it’s not the first time. Did you date another boss of yours? You player!

Me: Noooo, that’s not what I meant. Amr, my ex-boss was always an option I never went for, because I was in a relationship with my best friend, or shall I call him my ex-best friend, if that word even exists. It doesn’t, right?

Dana: For the sake of this conversation, let’s make it a real word.

Me: Anyway, I only went for Amr when I broke up with my Billy.

Dana: Did you just say “my Billy”?

Me: I’m not thinking straight today. I’m a bit too emotional and this conversation is bringing out more and more emotions.

Dana: We can stop it here if you want to.

Me: Nah, it’s fine. I guess when you can finally talk about it freely and you’re okay with your emotions and the way you think about it, that’s when you actually know you got over things.

Dana: That’s true.

Me: So back to Billy, I was crazy about that guy. I’ve always had a thing for him, and then one day we turned our friendship into more of a romantic relationship.

Words started coming out of my mouth and the story was flowing. They were flooding and I couldn’t stop them. It seemed like my words were running at a much faster pace than my thoughts. They had to get out! All of a sudden, I started feeling cold. No, not because of the weather, but it was a strange feeling. I didn’t feel well at all. Emotions were getting the best of me, and I didn’t know why.

Then it hit me. Whenever anyone used to ask me how I was before or how I felt right after my breakup with Billy, I was never able to tell them what I was thinking or what I actually went through the moment I found out he was cheating on me or when I found out he was getting married to Nathalie. I tried to let these thoughts out and writing about it definitely helped me out a lot. I always got that shiver and never knew why the hell it sneaked up on me all of a sudden. Now I know!

You know that feeling you get when your body starts trembling for some reason, and that reason is because you feel that something isn't right? That’s the feeling you get just before you come across something that will shock you, if not change you forever. A cold shiver followed by a heavy and tingly stomach. It’s as if the shock you’re about to get is so much bigger than what you can actually process. A disappointing moment like never before, yet deep deep inside of you, you’ll finally be relieved to know why your gut has been bugging you for that long. In that exact second, tons of things happen at once; shock, panic, relief, disappointment and a big space gets evacuated and a strong solid wall is built.

Remembering things again while talking about it to Dana confused me for a second. Was that feeling me missing Billy or me being hurt? The best way I could explain things, was that this coldness you get inside of you allover again is your gut warning you not to get nostalgic about something that hurt you damn hard in the past. We, as humans, tend to sometimes oversee the bad and make excuses for others, just so we can feel a bit better about it, but you should always listen to that voice inside of you, aka your gut, and remember well how it felt getting that shock.

Having gone through it myself, I don’t think that’s a feeling anyone could ever forget. Now whether you know it or not, this could be the best thing that ever happened to you. You’re being set free. Remember that when things get tough! That’s my two cents for you…

Do you remember how things were a year ago?

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