April 22, 2015 12:00 AM | by Luci
Post #73: Why You Don't Fall in Love
Let’s face it, I’m a person who easily develops feelings for others. Over the past two years, I've been giving you a constant update of what’s going on in my life, so you've surely noticed that, haven’t you? I share with you one heartbreak after the other, but as you might have also noticed, I bounce back stronger and wiser out of each experience. I strongly believe that certain people make it into your life to teach you something, whether good or bad, but you have to keep on learning.
This is exactly why I knew better not to fall for a guy like Faisal, not that he’s a bad person, but because I've decided I’ll take my time moving forward to have people grow on me, instead of rushing into things. I know I know, Billy was my childhood friend and shit hit the fan, but you see, there’s no rule to this wicked thing called love. It happens when it’s the right time, or when it wants to happen, this stuff is so hard to control. With all the thoughts and confusion I've been sharing with you, not to mention the drama, I never considered how lucky I was. Want to know why? Well, you’ll have to continue reading through.
Faisal: I can’t believe we've known each other for just two months now. Can you?
Me: Hahaha no, me neither, but that’s a good thing I guess.
I’m currently back to Dubai, and Faisal came for a week there because he had work, and we almost saw each other every day during that week. Being the emotional person I am, I had an internal struggle to open up and be as friendly as I usually am, but that meant there was a risk of liking the guy, because he’s awesome, but then again I held my ground and refused to think of him as anything more than a friend.
Faisal: So give me the updates, are you dating anyone now?
Me: No, I’m trying to take a break from that. You?
Faisal: Shall I answer this question truthfully?
Me: Of course.
Faisal: I’m meeting up several ladies.
Me: At once?
Faisal: Because it’s fun for starters, meeting new people is a good idea, it gives me more options.
Me: More options to end up with the right one?
Faisal: Eventually yes. One day.
Me: Well, that doesn’t sound very promising.
Faisal: Are you being sarcastic again?
Me: Kind of. I do get you see this as a fun activity, but that would never turn into something serious. Just letting you know.
Faisal: Maybe I’m not ready for something serious.
Me: For God’s sake man, you’re in your forties, when do you think you’ll be ready? There’s no such thing as ready, that’s just an excuse you make for yourself.
A moment of silence, it seemed like he was thinking deeply of what I was saying. I looked into his eyes to try and find out if I offended him, but I couldn't tell.
Me: Okay, maybe I’m a bit off. It could be related to your late wife and I’m sorry about that. Maybe you really aren't ready to fall in love again and that’s completely fine.
Faisal: Actually it’s not. Can I share something?
Me: Go ahead.
Faisal: As much as I thought highly of Mirna, but I actually never loved her the way people portray love to be.
I raised my eyebrows while looking at him.
Faisal: My parents and friends were all pushing me to get married and she felt like the right option at that time. I love her, I really do, but more as a friend and she knew that.
Me: So I see the issue here.
Faisal: Are you going to play the psychiatrist role on me? Please don’t!
Me: Of course I won’t, we have a pretty open friendship based on honesty and amazing intellectual conversations, so just think of what I’m going to tell you as such a conversation or even a debate. There’s a thought that came to my head and I think you’re the exact opposite of who I am.
Faisal: Enlighten me…
Me: I have a question. Have you ever been in love?
Me: Are you sure? There must have been a story here or there. Someone who felt a bit more special than the rest.
Faisal: And the answer to that as well is no. I’m being honest here, I have never felt like I could take a bullet for someone, the same way I would do for my family.
I stared at him for a few seconds trying to figure out what I should say, but nothing came out of my mouth. It wasn’t that I didn’t find the right thing to say, but it was more about of not being able to put myself into his shoes and get things from his own perspective. I could tell that it was a sensitive topic to him and I could end up hurting him if I discussed things further, but I felt the obligation to highlight a few things.
Faisal: What’s on your mind now?
Faisal: Come on, tell me the truth. What are you thinking?
Me: Mixed thoughts, I’m trying to understand you. Do you think it’s because you never found the right one? Because that might be a very valid option. You could be the kind of person who has a certain list or criteria and still didn’t find it in anyone.
Faisal: I don’t think I’m like that, because I easily get along with a lot of people. If I was that picky, then I would be more of an introvert, but I’m not.
Me: That’s right. Okay next question. Do you meet new people often or are you in a closed circle which of course doesn’t give you lots of options?
Faisal: I meet a new girl every week, or even more than that, whether through friends, work or just randomly and I’m the kind of guy who could go and introduce himself to a woman if she's attractive. But you know what happens afterwards? After you get to know that person closely, there’s no connection, it’s just not there.
Me: Yeah, that I understand, if the connection is not there, then what’s the point, right? You should consider your close friends then, does any of them work? You could have a tingling feeling about one of them, even if you choose to ignore it, but it could be there.
Faisal: Unfortunately that’s not the case.
Me: Man, I’m out of options here. What else could it be?
Faisal: Commitment issues? Yes, I have them a bit, but that’s only because I haven’t found the right person yet. And before Mirna, I was engaged, so no, I’m not afraid to take that extra step.
Me: It might not be a priority in your life, that’s also an option.
Faisal: It’s not a priority, but it’s still very important to me.
Me: I’m ruling out the option of you falling in love but not admitting it to yourself, because you don’t strike me as that kind of personality.
Faisal: Yeah, I’m not in denial. What else do you have for me? Come on Luci, you can do better than these guesses.
Me: Do you even know why you’ve never been in love or are you letting me do all the guesses here?
Faisal: If I knew I would have worked on it, but I have no clue. I’m not a cold person, I do have deep and intense feelings.
Me: I was about to tell you that, so no, that’s not what this is. Are your parents divorced?
Faisal: Nope, they have a pretty great relationship.
Me: Sorry for that question, I kind of speak my mind out without thinking, but then again you know that.
Faisal: Yeah, that’s what I like about you.
Me: Oh wow, a compliment, am I a lucky girl or what? Anyway, back to the point. I’m also ruling out previous heartbreaks and past experiences. Shit, I’m really running out of options here.
Faisal: It’s fine Luci, I know you’re trying to help, but not all people are going to get married to the person they love. You know, a lot of people out there make it a mission to just get married and reproduce, but they rarely find happiness after opening that door. Maybe that’s not even the right door for me, it could be an option and I’m completely fine with it.
Me: You’re right 100%, but I’m still not convinced a person with such a great personality will end up on his own. Maybe the problem is you think way too much?
Faisal: You have no idea how my head looks like, it’s such a crowded place, filled with too many thoughts. All the time!
Me: See, we’re getting a bit closer here. Maybe, just maybe, there’s no room for feelings. What I mean is, if you’re the kind of person who overthinks things, then you’re putting much more room for thoughts and less space to actually feel.
Faisal: True, but that’s how my brain functions.
That’s when I did something, which I was not sure if I should have done or not, but my hands were leading the way. I placed one hand on his chest and the other on his stomach.
Me: See, forget about what goes up there. When it comes to feelings, this is where the action should take place, but definitely not up there. I’m guessing your brain tends to put breaks which doesn't allow you to feel things inside of you.
I then realized that I should remove my hands because I was getting more of a weirdo than a person trying to make a point.
Faisal: Okay, I get the point.
Me: And one last thing and then we should order food. I can’t wait to try their pasta!
Faisal: Oh food. Great idea! I’m thinking pizza. But first tell me…
Me: I have a strong feeling that you’re not the kind of person who likes to be exposed. Feeling exposed to you means vulnerability and weakness, but trust me, that’s not the case. It could be that you’d like to keep yourself protected or that you have too high expectations in your head in terms of what being in love should feel like or even that you rush into things before actually having feelings for that person, and you end up not meeting these expectations and eliminating it. So lower your expectations. That’s it, now I think you should pay me something for tearing you apart like that. I’m sorry for that by the way, I’m only doing it with a good intention and I hope you know that.
Faisal: You know that you scare me?
Me: Okay I don’t want the money, I was kidding hehehe
Faisal: No, that’s not what I meant. You’re getting 20 dirhams for that session for sure.
Me: What did you mean?
Faisal: You scare me because you just described perfectly what’s going on inside of my head and because I can share with you things I can’t even tell myself out loud.
Me: I’m glad to hear that. Now let’s order?
I went home that day feeling lucky. I felt lucky because even though I’m the kind of person who puts themselves out there and I often end up getting hurt, but at least I’m one step closer to finding the right one. Other people build walls around themselves which makes it practically impossible for anyone to make their way into that place. I couldn’t sleep easily that night and was only able to do so after texting him.
I sent him saying: “Forget all what we talked about today, even though that doesn’t make sense, because you’re probably overthinking things now. Forget about not falling in love. It all comes down to your heart and eventually, trust me on that, it will fall for the right person. That’s the special thing about love, it will make an intelligent person such as yourself forget about all the logic and common sense and just go for it. So you know what? Maybe it’s not a bad thing to continue dating several people, just be a little bit more selective with it. You will fall in love, because we all will. There’s no such thing as never going to fall in love, maybe in your case it’ll hit you differently and when you least expect it. There’s no rush and don’t feel the urge to speed things up, because that’s not the point. I’m blabbering here, but what I’m trying to say is, it will happen anyway and when it does, it’ll scare you because in your case, it’ll be deeper than anything you’ve experienced, not to mention intense. Maybe I’m being too dramatic, but I couldn’t help but send you this my friend.”
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