August 15, 2020 10:45 AM | by Luci
Post #113: Some Things Aren't Meant to Be!
Hey guys, sorry I've been MIA, I've been going through a lot lately. Honestly, I thought twice about actually writing this post. However, after taking some time I decided to tell my story because it maybe therapeutic for me to actually talk about, and more importantly I don't want shame to be associated with the word; miscarriage.
So the last thing I had told you, was my doctor telling me to stay put, because I had started spotting, and so Faisal and I cancelled our weekend plans. Fast forward to a week after that, and then it happened; I ended up losing the baby. The spotting never stopped, if anything the flow only increased, I rushed to my doctor and after doing a thorough check up, that's when he told me I miscarried.
I have to admit for someone who wasn't very happy about the pregnancy, this was quite a shock for me. I could see how disappointed Faisal was, he was trying so hard to be supportive and all, but I could tell he was hurt. As for me, I don't think I ever felt anything like this before. I mean I felt upset and down, but how can I be upset about something I never really had.
The doctor warned me I'd feel like this, he said that when women miscarry they go through a grieving process, but honestly I couldn't really tell how I felt. I felt a little bit like a failure, and it sucked disappointing Faisal, I'd be lying if I didn't feel some relief, I mean on some level I don't think I felt fully ready for a kid. I was really trying to get on board, and just accept what my new reality was going to be, but fully ready? I don't know about that.
Of course I could never really admit that to Faisal, I mean our relationship had just started recovering from what we were in, I didn't want to hurt him more. Faisal wanted me to tell my mum, but honestly I didn't want to have to deal with her disappointment too.
So Eid was just a few days after the miscarriage, and I had asked my doctor if I could travel, and he had cleared me, as the road trip was no longer a risk for me. He warned me that the bleeding would continue to take place, and that I should not swim in the pool to avoid any risk of infection, but the beach was fine. So I told Faisal we should go away for the week, just the two of us, take a break from it all and just enjoy our week and have some fun for a change.
Unfortunately, my hope of spending some one on one time with my husband took quite a turn, as the North Coast was bombarded with all our friends and family, and we ended up getting invited to a lot of 'social distancing' gatherings.
Faisal: Are you sure you're up for going to these outings? If you want to skip, let's just hang out, you and me.
Me: No no, let's go, maybe people and distractions will do some good.
We ended up going to my parents over for lunch, and boy was it the worst idea to go. I wasn't really in a sociable mood, I thought I could plaster a smile across my face, but I had some painful cramps and kept running to the bathroom a lot to change my pad, because my flow was quite heavy.
Mum: Luci, are you okay? You look a little pale.
Me: Yeah yeah I'm fine. Just haven't been eating very well the past few days.
Mum: Luci, I keep telling you to take your vitamins, and eat well, especially during these times of COVID-19, you can't ignore your health.
Me: I know, I know, I will...
Mum: Wait, could you be pregnant? Is that why you keep running to the bathroom so
Me: What no mum!
Mum: Are you sure, maybe your pregnant Luci. It would be about time really, it's been some time, I was starting to worry if you were having trouble getting pregnant.
Me: Mum, stop, what are you saying.
Mum: Well Luci, you never talk to me about kids, if your thinking about having them or why you are even waiting all this time, kids are a blessing you know, I don't want you to waste your time not enjoying that blessing.
I don't know what happened, but I just burst into tears, right there in front of my mum. I could not control the surge of emotions that just came over me, and I ended up telling my mum everything.
Mum: Luci, it's very common to lose your first pregnancy, I did. Did you know that?
Mum: Yeah, you were supposed to have an older sibling, but I miscarried in the middle of the night, and lost the baby, but then you came along.
Me: I never knew that...
Mum: It's not something I like to talk about. But, the important thing to know is that it's okay and don't let it stop you from trying again and staring a family.
Me: Mum, I'm not even thinking about that now. I'm just waiting for the bleeding to stop, and the doctor said I can't even start trying for a while, until full recovery.
Mum: Okay Luci, let's go to the doctor after we're back to make sure everything is okay.
Me: What if they aren't? What if I have fertility problems, or worse can't have children?
Mum: Inshallah, there is nothing Luci, but even if there is, we'll find the problem and a solution, nowadays there is a solution for everything. But, keep a positive mind, don't go looking for a problem.
I know my mum was right, but I couldn't help but think...you always hear stories of people who try and try for years, only to find out they have a problem and start IVF or other methods. But, as I said, this is why I'm writing about it. I refuse to feel shame or shy away from talking about these problems and I'll be taking you with me, on my journey.
Tune in to know what happened next. You don't want to miss it! Saturday at 11:00 AM (Cairo time).
If you enjoyed this post, don't miss out on reading the rest of Luci's story here>>