August 22, 2020 10:45 AM | by Luci
Post #114: Depression and Miscarriages
As I had said in my last post, I have decided to take you along with me through my journey, as I hope to break the stigmas surrounding miscarriages and all what comes with it. So, I had a doctor appointment after my break in the North Coast (ie:sahel), I went through 13 days of bleeding with a heavy flow, and let me tell you, I know periods are a bi#%$, but this was way worse. Cramps, a lot of bleeding, zero energy, and all in all mentally I wasn't doing too well.
The thing is, every time I go to the bathroom, I get a reminder of it, and I go to the bathroom a lot. So every time I'd try to clear my head, I just wouldn't. At one point, the bleeding was more like clots of blood, rather than a normal flow, and my mind wandered, could that be the remains of my unborn child? Of course, a little bit of googling gave me some answers, however for a while I was freaking out big time.
As for my mood, to be honest I wasn't doing too well, part of me was trying to be realistic, I mean I was only pregnant for a few months, it's not like I had a connection with the baby, or felt it kick or anything like that all. So, the practical part of me fully understood that there is really no reason to be feeling sad, but the other part of me could just not fight it, and was giving into the sadness.
I felt like I lost an opportunity to start a family, and I felt guilty for disappointing Faisal and my mum, she always talked about how she can't wait for grandkids. What if I can't make all that happen for them, what if something is wrong with me, and I join the statistic of women who have fertility problems. As the days went by, I found myself withdrawing from everything and everyone, just closed my phone and sat on the couch bleeding and watching Netflix. I just needed to disconnect, I did't want to open Facebook & Instagram only to see all the baby announcements, I didn't want to hear the same lecture from my mum that god has a plan, and most importantly I didn't want to hear from my friends on how I hadn't told them in the first place bla bla bla...so it just seemed easier to zone out and be by myself.
After the 12 days, I went in for my check up and the doctor shared some bad news.
Doctor: So Luci I think we need to perform a procedure where we clean out your uterus after the miscarriage. You see, some women the uterus cleans itself on it's own after the miscarriage, but in other cases when it doesn't we need to go in and do it manually.
Me: Oh...and I have to do it, is there no chance my uterus will end up doing it on its own.
Doctor: In your case, it doesn't look like it. Sometimes we recommend a certain medication to help, but this medication comes with a lot of side effects, and there is a chance even after the medication you'll still need to do the procedure.
Me: I see, ummm can I think about it, or is this something I have to do right away.
Doctor: You can, but don't take too much time, the faster we do this, the faster you'll start the recovery, especially if you want to start trying again. You'll need to wait a little bit after you're fully done with this process, so no need to add on more time.
Me: Oh okay. But, is there something wrong with me, is that why I miscarried.
Doctor: Normally we don't look into the first case of miscarriage, more than 20% of women miscarry their first pregnancy, and it's not uncommon for many women to miscarry twice. Doesn't mean anything is wrong with them, it's just a change to the body that needs to adapt, and some women take longer than others to adapt.
Me: Oh, I really don't want to miscarry again only to find a problem then. Aren't they any tests we can do to rule things out?
Doctor: You can do some blood tests, so we make sure everything is in check, but that does not prevent miscarriages, I just want to be clear on that.
Me: I'll feel better knowing I checked up on everything.
Doctor: Fair enough, but you can only do the tests once your uterus is clean and you wait a few weeks after that for your hormone levels to be back to normal. So, as I said, don't take too long.
I left the doctor's appointment feeling extremely overwhelmed. I had a lot to think about, and I actually wanted to be left alone now more than ever. I didn't admit to Faisal or my mum whether or not I would want to start trying again, and I feel like any talk I have with either of them will go in that direction. They'll both encourage me to do the procedure asap, so I can be ready to try again.
I just need to sit with myself and really think about what I want? But, how can I think about all this when I still feel like I'm grieving a loss of something I never had?
Tune in to know what happened next. You don't want to miss it! Saturday at 11:00 AM (Cairo time).
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