August 29, 2020 11:00 AM | by Luci
Post #115: Am I a Horrible Person?
Hey guys, so last I left you with the news I received about having to make a decision on whether or not to do the procedure of cleaning my uterus. Of course, I had to talk to Faisal about all this, and he was surprisingly very understanding.
Me: So, do you think I should just do the procedure and get it over with?
Faisal: Luci, it’s your body, I’ll support whatever you decide. If you feel like it’s not worth doing the procedure now and you’d rather try waiting it out, I am all for it.
Me: Honestly, I really can’t decide, I really don’t know what to do. And honestly Faisal, after this experience, I don’t know when I’ll be ready to start trying.
Faisal: Don’t think that far along Luci, let’s just take it one step at a time and wait for you to fully recover before deciding on anything else.
I felt like I needed to talk to Dina about all this, I’ve been MIA from everyone, not responding to calls or whatsapp groups and I’m pretty sure all my frinds are pissed at me by now.
Dina: Well, well, well… finally decided to call me back. What do you need something?
Me: Look I know you’re pissed at me, but, I need you to put this aside for now, cause I need to talk to you about something.
I gave Dina the brief on everything that went down and how good I haven’t been feeling about all this, and boy was she shocked.
Me: yeah, a lot has been going on.
Dina: Yeah I can see that….so right now you need to decide whether or not you want to do the procedure?
Me: Yeah, I don’t know what to do.
Dina: That’s easy Luci, of course you do it. Get everything sorted out so you can be ready to try again.
Me: I don’t know if I want to try again Dina…
Dina: Doesn’t matter when you want to try, but you should have your health in check, for when you want to try you can be ready.
Me: But, what if I don’t get ready. Remember this pregnancy was a big surprise, I think I’ll be even extra cautious to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Maybe, I’m not meant to be a mother.
Dina: Luci, if every woman woman who had a miscarriage thought like you, there would be no babies in the world.
Me: Yeah, I guess you’re right…
Dina: Actually Luci, I have some news of my own, and maybe that’s why I’m being a little biased in my opinion….mmmm I’m pregnant.
Luci: What?! When?! I didn’t even know you were trying.
Dina: Well I wasn’t trying, but I wasn’t stopping it either and I’ve been thinking about having a second one for some time, so I thought I’d let go and just see how it goes, and it just happened. I’m so sorry I never wanted to tell you, especially after you just miscarried.
Luci: Yeahh…but I’m so happy for you Dina. Congratulations!
Dina: Look, I don’t want to pressure you in anyway, everyone has their own timeline, but I always imagined us having kids together and them becoming best friends like us.
Luci: Yeah, that would be nice.
I ended my phone call with Dina, and just went for a walk for a few hours, I felt like I wanted to cry after hearing the words from Dina, ‘I’m pregnant.’ It’s like she triggered a lot of what I was feeling, but not really dealing with.
Why me? How is it women can easily get pregnant and not miscarry but I did? Of all the times for Dina to be pregnant, why when I lose mine? It just hurt too much and I hated myself for not being happy for her and feeling like that.
Is it normal what I’m feeling, or am I a horrible person?
Tune in to know what happened next. You don't want to miss it! Saturday at 11:00 AM (Cairo time).
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