Hey guys, I finally decided to go through with the procedure, and I'm writing to you, just a few days after my small operation. How I'm feeling you wondering? Well, it was a little bit scary, but all in all I feel very relived, bearable pain and discomfort, and thank god the procedure was smooth and successful.
I'm recovering nicely, just taking it easy, resting and loading up on fluids. Spending all this time in bed has got me reflecting and I had decided that I had to share my feelings with Faisal about my fear of getting pregnant again and motherhood.
Me: So, there's something I need to share with you...the reason I was a bit indecisive about doing the procedure, was because I was seriously questioning whether or not I was ready to have kids, and not doing this procedure felt like giving me an out for a while.
Faisal: Yeah I know.
Me: What? Really?
Faisal: Luci, you were never really happy about this pregnancy. You never told all your friends, we never talked about baby names, if it's a boy or a girl, you know the basic things people usually discuss when a couple find out they're pregnant.
Me: I admit I wasn't happy at the beginning, but as time went by I was starting to be happy. In fact, losing this baby made me experience a loss I didn't know I had...It was like grieving someone you don't know...I can't explain it.
Faisal: I guess I kind of understand that, I was doing a lot of effort not to show you how heartbroken I was, so I can be supportive.
Me: Oh wow, I mean I knew you were disappointed, but I didn't know you were heartbroken.
Faisal: Hold on, one second.
Faisal got up and went to go get something from the bedroom, and came back with a pair of baby Nike sneakers.
Faisal: I was planning on showing them to you the day you miscarried, and after everything it just seemed like it's better not to...so yea I understand you feeling a loss.
I was shocked and start to tear up of course because my hormones were still all over the place, and I couldn't help but feel guilt for thinking of depriving Faisal from a family.
Faisal: Look Luci, I understand what you went through was not easy at all, and I've done my best to be supportive and help you heal. But I have to get something off my chest, I want kids, I want more than one kid, I want a family and I want one as soon as possible. If you are not on the same page as me, I need to know.
Luci: Like how many kids are we talking about?
Faisal: At least 2, I mean, haven't you always wanted a sibling, a best friend for life?
Me: Yea, they'd help me deal with my mother.
Faisal: Exactly, someone to be with you through it all, I don't want to have one kid who has to deal with all the problems that might happen on his own. Either way, I need to know, are you up for trying to have a family and not waste anymore time, or....
Me: Faisal, I'm not going to lie...after the miscarriage, I did not want to risk going through all this again, but the main reason why I did the procedure was for us to be able to have kids right away when we want to.
Faisal: Well, I want to now.
Me: Well we can't. The doctor said I can't start trying again for another 3 weeks, till I'm completely healed and my hormone levels are back to normal.
Faisal: That's not what I'm talking about Luci, if it's about 3 weeks, or even months for your health, then of course I understand, but what about after you've healed. What about then?
Me: I mean, yeah I guess...
Faisal: You guess? Is this something you want, or something you'll do for me out of obligation?
Me: Honestly Faisal, probably a little bit of both...I do want a family too, maybe not right away. But having gone through this experience, I've learned that things don't happen right away, and there could be more bumps on the road. So even if I want to wait, a part of me is telling me not to, because I don't know how long or smooth the process of me trying to get pregnant will be.
Faisal just went quite...
Me: Are you disappointed with my answer?
Faisal: Mmm yes and no, I would have loved for us to be on the same page, and this next chapter to be a time where we are both on the same page, but at the same time I know what you went through was not easy, so....
Me: So what?
Faisal: So, I'll learn to be okay with it, like you said we have no idea what kind of journey ours will be like, so let's just take it one day at a time at this point.
Tune in to know what happened next. You don't want to miss it! Saturday at 11:00 AM (Cairo time).