July 04, 2020 10:45 AM | by Luci
Post #109: Why Do You Love Me?
You know that scene from F.R.I.E.N.D.S where Ross and Rachel take a break? It feels like that is kind of my life now. After my talk with Faisal, things took quite a turn, I mean I know he needed some time, but I didn't think that meant be far away from me.
Faisal went to Sokhna for a few days, he said he needed to be left alone to think about everything. And here I am, going insane, just waiting... A part of me is quite angry because I feel stuck basically waiting for my husband to decide if he loves me and if he wants me to have this child. I mean he doesn't really get a say, it's my body, I'll decide. But then again, a part of me feels like I deserve this, I basically buried myself into this insane hole.
I ignored him and treated him badly for so long, BUT, I went and got help and I'm aware of the problem... I mean doesn't that count? It's taking everything I have not to call him and say all that to him too. But, you get the state I'm in.
Do you think it's possible for a man to go from loving you to hating you? I used to think love was magical thing where when you have it, it can withstand anything. I'm learning that's not the case...the hard way.
After about 5 days of Faisal being in Sokhna, and us being in silent mode, he sends me a text.
Faisal: Why do you love me?
I called Dina to vent! We hadn't talked since that session with the counselor, but Dina is the friend that can be there for me no matter what.
Me: Seriously, what is that? 5 days of silence and that's what I get?
Dina: Can you really blame him, Luci?
Me: Well...no, but it feels like he is punishing me!
Dina: That's not in Faisal's nature, it's obvious he is thinking about your relationship. So tell me, why do you love him?
Me: He's a kind sweet man, who treats me well.
Dina: Really Luci, did you memorize that answer?
Me: What do you want me to say Dina? You just know when you love someone.
Dina: Do you think you married him for convenience? He was there, giving you attention and being kind, so you went for it?
Me: What are you saying?
Dina: Normally the answer to this question should be a firm defensive NO.
Me: Just because I don't answer the way you expect me to Dina, doesn't mean it's a wrong answer and NO THAT'S NOT WHY I MARRIED HIM.
Dina: Then WHAT?
Me: Being with Faisal was different than being with any man. He made me feel safe in a way I don't think I've ever felt... And that feeling was what made me sure I wanted to marry him, that I would always be safe and so would our children be one day.
Dina: I guess you have your answer to your text.
Next week I'll be telling you how I replied to Faisal and what he said to me. Tune in Saturday at 11:00 AM (Cairo time) for the new post.
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