Therapist Yasmine Madkour Sheds Light on Fathers' Emotional Absence And Its Consequences!

The father's influence on the early years of a kid is crucial to the formation of their identity. How a father participates in his child's life from infancy through adolescence and early adulthood affects how children see themselves and the world. The father's direct and indirect interactions with the child can affect their self-awareness and worldview. Fathers who are emotionally inaccessible to their children negatively affect them in a variety of ways. These men frequently put money, other individuals, and their jobs above their kids. They refrain from having emotional discussions with their kids and do not provide a secure environment for them to express their emotions. They frequently withhold or refuse love, acceptance, and positive worth, leaving their kids with unsettled feelings.

We had the pleasure of talking to Yasmine Madkour, a somatic therapist and sexologist, about the father’s emotional absence, its effect on children’s lives, and how to deal with it.

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- Tell us more about you, your education, and your experience.

I am a somatic therapist and sexologist. I am certified by the Somatic Experiencing Institute and a member of the United States Association of Body Psychotherapists. I am also a graduate of Somatica Institute and have been helping people, especially women, experience safety, pleasure, and play through their bodies.

- Why is it important for fathers to be emotionally and physically available?

Fathers’ relationships with their children shape their experience of being perceived by the world, how they will experience the outer world interacting and reacting to them, accepting them, and/or rejecting them. Fathers shape their children’s perception of the other, be it relationships, careers, success, opportunities, or friendships. The absence of a father figure (not necessarily a father) would disrupt and skew the view of the other, which means disruption and a disordered view of relationships and how they should be, career opportunities, and self-worth related to them, and navigating the relationship with the outer world (community, authority figures, and the public).

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- In your opinion, what is the best description for an emotionally-absent father?

There isn’t a specific description for an absent father since “absence” has many shapes and forms. Absence could be death, divorce, travel, and/or emotional absence. Some fathers might not have the capacity to connect in the first place, so they would be distant emotionally, even though they would be providing and financially supporting their families. Others might be busy working and not aware of the importance of their presence; they tend to have unbalanced priorities, putting their work always first.

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- To what extent can this emotional absence affect his children's lives?

Besides what’s mentioned above, children might grow up as adults feeling they have to do more to get validation or that they have to be perfect to get the proper attention. It might also build a capacity to tolerate abuse from partners later in life, as they won’t have a frame of reference for what love looks or feels like. It would build a familiarity with having relationships with unavailable people, which might put a strain on them being the ones who have to do all the work in their relationships, and/or making connections and vulnerability too much for their nervous systems that they would reject attempts for connection and intimacy in their relationships. Balanced and intimate relationships would feel foreign and beyond their capacity.

That might make them feel the need to connect but not being able to connect (avoidant or disorganized attachment styles), or craving connection and seeking it in every way that would put them in a position of always chasing unavailable partners and trying to win them (anxious attachment), and both lead to dramatic relationships and push-pull dynamics that rarely reach a settled peaceful fulfilling state without proper therapy.

- Can a father's physical presence make up for his emotional absence? And why?

No. Presence is wholesome. It entails being there when they experience big emotions, tantrums, anger, fear, and over-joyous happiness. It means navigating these feelings with them, and being available when they need guidance or face confusion. When children don’t find someone to co-regulate these big emotions and moments, it would always be big for them, no matter how old they are, or how far they have reached in life.

- Do daughters get more affected than sons by their father's emotional absence?

It is not a matter of gender; they are both children with needs for connection. They both can get affected in one way or another, but fathers, as male figures, in their absence and the absence of any other healthy male figures in the children’s life would inherit the pattern that is present between the parents. An unavailable parent would likely mean an unavailable partner, which means that this model of relationship would be the one completing the attachment styles the children would build over their early years. An unbalanced relationship for the children would be the result for both the daughter and the son of an unavailable father. They don’t have to follow a certain stereotype (like the daddy issues stereotypes), because they both would experience the same type of father wound and it might present itself in different ways based on several other factors. We usually focus on daughters’ relationship with their fathers as a factor affecting their choices in relationships, though sons also get affected by mimicking the same unavailability or seeking unavailable partners.

- Can children develop mental health problems as a result of their father's emotional absence? What are they?

Yes, they can develop unhealthy attachment styles, and it would affect the roles they play in different aspects of life. For some, they might get entangled in abusive relationships, putting up with so much as they believe they have to do more to deserve attention and love. They might become perfectionists or feel love and the connection is overwhelming for them. They might develop low self-esteem and a low sense of identity.

- Do these problems continue to grow with children and affect them as adults? If yes, how can they overcome them?

I wouldn’t say overcome when it comes to developmental patterns; I would say resolve. Overcoming would mean going through life trying to manage the aftermath of an unavailable father, which means there is a struggle, which is true. I would choose a resolution of a developmental issue over overcoming (possibly a developmental attachment trauma as well). The resolution would mean a process that takes time and noticed-owned progress to register in the nervous system and their self-perception. Secure relationships or relationships with people with secure attachment (who had available parents physically and emotionally) would be the fastest way to shift their nervous system focus from seeking or rejecting intense disorganized connections to having stable safe and secure connections that would help them co-regulate and stabilize.

- Can you give a message to all fathers to help them be more emotionally available for their kids?

It is not easy to be a different father than the one you had. It takes a lot of effort and work to be present with your children’s emotions, activities, and dreams. Being present with your emotions and needs, and being able to regulate them would always help you have the capacity to parent, hold, and contain your children, their emotions and experiences. Slow down in the process; no need to rush or seek perfection. Apologize for not being there and promise to do better. Quality over quantity. Experience over stuff. Build memories with your children and reorganize your priorities.

- And a final message to all of those who experienced their father's emotional absence.

It is not your fault that your father was not there for you. You are important and worth the time, effort, and, more importantly, presence. Accept that need for connection (or distance) and take your time to trust the change of your urges to run away from intimacy or chase unavailable partners and ask for help, otherwise, it will affect you, your relationships, and your parenting.

Main image credit: @asseryassin, @yasminemadkour, @lailazaher on Instagram